Zenzeroni Xystarch II

Zenzeroni Xystarch II

No. 11 – Prospect
Position:	Kicker
Personal information
Born:	(2036-02-29)February 29, 2036 (aged 26) Disapointment Island, New Zealand
Height:	6 ft 3 in (1.91 m)
Weight:	201 lb (91 kg)
Username:	Lock180
Career information
College:	Spaghetti School
Career history
Roster status:	Active

Zenzeroni "Spaghetti Splitter" Xystarch II (born February 29, 2036) is an American football kicker who is currently preparing to enter the professional ranks.He played college football for Spaghetti School (SPA) and has declared his intent to enter the professional ranks next season.

Early years

Zenzeroni Xystarch II was born to Zenzeroni and Zizi Xystarch but was quickly shunned by his family and friends for having “noodle arms”. Both his parents had accomplished baseball and softball careers so to have a son that was unable to play either was extremely disappointing for them. So much so that they stranded him on Disappointment Island in favor of his older brother Zenzizenzizenzic Xystarch, where he was forced to fend for himself all alone on the barren hellscape that was Disappointment Island. But through perseverance and lots of tears, Zenzeroni survived and made it to mainland New Zealand where he enrolled in Spaghetti school as “Spaghetti arms” was all he could ever hear.

But Spaghetti school was forced to have a football team, per the new New Zealand culinary rulebook so Zenzeroni, still too afraid to use his arms, kicked. And kicked. And kicked until he received the nickname “Spaghetti Splitter” for his consistent ability to knock the ball right through the uprights which were made from uncooked Spaghetti noodles. And thus a legend was born, the BETTER Xystarch of the Xystarch family name.

College career

Zenzeroni and the Spaghetti School’s football program started during the 2054 season which meant it was Spaghetti School’s year for dominance. You see, 2054 was the year of the rat (according to unknown sources), and if you have seen ratatouille you would know that no opponent stands a chance against rats in the kitchen (or on the field). Despite it being his first season, Zenzeroni looked like a veteran out there not missing a single field goal or extra point in the regular season. But then came the game against their arch-rivals, Mario’s Meatball Madness University for Culinary Masters.

They, much like Zenzeroni’s older brother were the “golden child” of culinary schools in New Zealand and Zenzeroni’s nerves were showing. The game was tied at 20 a piece and with three seconds to go Zenzeroni stepped up to take a 50-yard field goal. His career-long had been 48 yards up to this point and he was noticeably nervous. Despite his nerves, Zenzeroni stepped up and kicked a perfect ball. However, as it was twisting and turning through the air, it started raining meatballs, well, one meatball. A fan had thrown a meatball from the stands and as the football was about to go through the uprights, the meatball struck the football, knocking it off its trajectory and causing it to fall one yard short of going in. Spaghetti School had lost the championship to Mario’s Meatball Madness University for Culinary Masters and the program would never be the same again.

After that season Zenzeroni struggled to find his groove and Spaghetti school sank into irrelevance. However, in his third season, he was able to bounce back. The team was still terrible but this led to Zenzeroni becoming a prodigy in the realm of kicking as he had to punt practically every four downs. When he did get the chance to kick field goals and the occasional extra point he didn’t miss and in his final two years he received the Spaghetti Monster reward for most valuable player.

College career statistics

Career statistics			Extra Points			Field Goals									Punts
Season	Team	Games	XPM	XPA	XP%	FGM	FGA	FG%	<20	20-29	30-39	40-49	50+	Lng	Punts	Yds	Avg	Inside 20	Long
2054 (S39)	ISFL	14	42	42	100	27	28	96.4	5/5	15/15	4/4	3/3	0/1	48	54	2710	50	22	62
2055 (S40)	ISFL	14	8	12	66.7	12	28	42.9	5/9	4/7	3/8	0/2	0/0	36	82	3280	40	27	58
2056 (S41)	ISFL	14	14	15	93.3	23	25	92	5/5	10/11	4/4	4/4	0/1	48	79	4266	54	40	66
2057 (S42)	ISFL	14	16	17	94.1	24	26	92.3	4/4	9/9	7/8	4/4	0/1	48	74	4070	55	32	64

Professional career

Pre-draft measurables

Ht	Wt	40‑yd dash	20‑ss	3‑cone	Vert jump	Broad
6 ft 3 in (1.91 m)	201 lb (91 kg)

DSFL Career

2058

Zenzeroni had been anticipating the call for quite some time before he heard the phone ringing early in the second round. He was to be a Bondi Beach Buccaneer. Officially drafted in the second round with the 11th overall pick, Zenzeroni was thrilled to just be on a team. He had no idea about any of the teams going into the start of the season but was happy with where he ended up. He had a great conversation with the Bucs scouting department head "honey" about their need for a strong kicker. Zenzeroni would later receive a message from another GM disappointed they weren't able to pick him up which already showed Zenzeroni as a hot commodity.

Zenzeroni's first full season in the DSFL was full of drama both on and off the field. Still reeling from the after-effects of the Clown Car Four more and more players kept popping up in solitude with the ban kickers movement. Zenzeroni pushed through the noise and had a kicking season for the ages. While he struggled early he was still able to lead the league in field goals made, and hit the longest field goal of the season and his career with a 56 yard bomb. Despite a promising and strong roster highlighted by veteran players like Dylan Duma, BMP, Cleocatchra, and many more along with a young vibrant rookie class including Thor, Passarelli, Pete Moss and many more, the season did not end with an Ultimini. In fact, the Bucs didn't even make the playoffs. Shakey offense from Thor along with agonizingly close games led the Bucs down a dark path. In the final 3 weeks grasping to playoff hopes the Bucs would go on to win all three of their remaining games and only needed a Tijuana loss to bring them to the playoffs where they would be underdogs but had grown to full force and were a legit threat. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be and the Luchadores would go on to reach the Ultimini before getting battered by the Pythons.

It wasn't all terrible though. As mentioned before Zenzeroni kicked himself into the number one kicker in the league as well as having the highest punting average distance he would be the clear top choice going into the ISFL draft. BMP also made his mark in the league becoming the rushing leader over the course of the season and the two TE set of Dylan Duma and Thomas Passarelli put up impressive numbers. While the team did great overall Xystarch still shined through able to receive three game balls throughout the season and broke two Bondi Beach records with the longest field goal by a Buccaneer now at 56 and the largest punt average at 46.7. His powerful leg will likely only continue to grow as he gets ready for the ISFL draft

Career statistics			Extra Points			Field Goals									Punts
Season	Team	Games	XPM	XPA	XP%	FGM	FGA	FG%	<20	20-29	30-39	40-49	50+	Lng	Punts	Yds	Avg	Inside 20	Long
2058 (S43)	Buccaneers	14	36	37	97.3%	26	33	78.8%	1/1	11/12	5/7	7/11	2/2	56	65	3037	46.7	23	65

Controversies

Zenzeroni is not one to back down from a challenge which is what has gotten him in trouble multiple times throughout his short stint as a professional football player. Upon entering the league Zenzeroni found himself bombarded by multiple players wanting to ban kickers. Zenzeroni would go on to write an article that would go up for a nomination for a Gemini Award later down the line about these players. Rico Savage, Joey Battle, Orange Julius, and Crazy Tomato were all involved to various degrees and became his rivals before even stepping onto the field.

Zenzeroni would then go on to write an incredibly controversial and groundbreaking article about a league-wide scandal going on in the league. In the pre-dsfl prospect bowls, Zenzeroni had two of his punts blocked. This was unheard of by his standards and he immediately knew something was wrong what he found was the other teams were paying off the refs and even switching out footballs to pretend there were fumbles. Even his own teammate who would stay his teammate on the Buccaneers was cheating and manipulating the field to his advantage to now allow Zenzeroni a chance to prove himself. Despite Zenzeroni bringing this news to the head officials they have yet to do anything about the scandal and the parties that were involved have not been reprimanded.

Then came a controversial experiment done by Doctor Fettucini Mozzarella who implanted a chip in Zenzeroni's brain in order to manipulate and understand Zenzeroni's thought processes throughout a game. It was later learned that he was being paid by Zenzeroni's father who was trying to embarrass and knock his son out of the league as he was jealous Zenzeroni had found success outside of baseball. The plot came to an end after Zenzeroni was replaced by his brother Zenzizenzizenzic during which he would do terribly. Zenzeroni made his way back on the field taking down his brother and thanks to a letter from a recently deceased friend the true plot was uncovered and Zenzeroni was freed from the experiment and his father's clutches.

The controversies would conclude where they began as more and more people were seeking the star Zenzeroni Xstarch II's fame and wisdom eventually culminating in an article written by Zenzeroni labeled "The Desperation Dilemma - The Story of the Nauseating Nine" which highlighted the struggles of fame as lesser-known players tried to reach the spotlight by using their connections with Zenzeroni to their advantage. This included previous annoyances such as Crazy Tomato and Orange Julius along with newcomers such as Jordan Bamford and Mega Tron. The nine players highlighted showed just how famous Zenzeroni had become but a wave of anger quickly swept around Zenzeroni in the days after releasing the article as multiple members of the Nauseating Nine sought to sue Zenzeroni for defamation. Zenzeroni was able to lawyer up with his old teammate Thor coming to his aid. Nothing would come of the defamation case as everyone knew everything that was said in the article was factual. With the ban kicker movement still going strong it continues to make Zenzeroni stronger as he has become a staple of the season 44 class with many players and fans reaching out in adoration of Zenzeroni's success in the face of scrutiny. "

Achievements and records

Rookie Season

- DSFL S43: Longest Field Goal made by a Bondi Beach Buccaneer (56 yards)

- DSFL S43: Largest Punt Average over an entire season for a Bondi Beach Buccaneer (46.7 yards per punt)

- DSFL S43 Week 1: Bondi Beach Buccaneers - Awarded Offensive game ball @ Norfolk Seawolves - 4 punts averaging 49.5 yards, 2/2 XPs, 2/2 FGs 40-49

- DSFL S43 Week 8: Bondi Beach Buccaneers - Awarded Offensive game ball vs Norfolk Seawolves - 7 punts averaging 53 yards, 3/3 XPs, 4/5 on FGs

- DSFL S43 Week 13: Bondi Beach Buccaneers - Awarded Offensive game ball vs Tijuana Luchadores - 4 punts averaging 48.2 yards, 2/2 XPs, 5/5 FGs

- S43 Gemini Award Best New Author

- S43 Gemini Award Best Author Nominee

- S43 Gemini Award Best Article (Series) Nominee - "The Clown Car Four"

- S43 Gemini Award Best Article (Limited) Nominee - "The OFFICIAL 1-Star Mcdonalds Prospect Analysis"

""

✔