Dorothy Zbornak

Dorothy Zbornak

Dorothy getting back into shape for her senior year at GGU.
No. 38 – Prospect
Position:	Defensive End
Personal information
Born:	(1930-01-31)January 31, 1930 (aged 136) New York, New York, U.S.
Height:	6 ft 6 in (1.98 m)
Weight:	260 lb (118 kg)
Career information
College:	Golden Gate University
Career history
Roster status:	Active

Dorothy "Pussycat" Zbornak (born January 31, 1930) is an American football defensive end playing for the Philadelphia Liberty. She played college football for Golden Gate University.

Early years

Dorothy was born in Brooklyn, New York on a pinochle table at McSoley's bar to Italian immigrants Sophia Petrillo and Salvadore "Sal" Petrillo. Dorothy was a natural athlete from a young age, though her father thought she'd end up in the WNBA due to her height. Despite being a bookworm and avid sportsman, she dropped out of high school when she became pregnant after going to Prom with Stanley "Stan" Zbornak. However, she did manage to finish the season, winning Clinton High School a State Championship while 4 months pregnant with her first child, Kate. Dorothy and Stan remained married for 38 years before divorcing due to Stan's infidelity. Newly single and living in Miami, Dorothy got her GED before attending Golden Gate University and reigniting her football career at the age of 57. She credits much of her success during this time to her roommates Blanche and Rose, her mother Sophia, and cheesecake.

College career

Dorothy red-shirted as a freshman in 1987 while studying American History at Golden Gate University. She towered over virtually all players on the field, standing out due to her tremendous height, large hands, and deep voice. During her Sophomore season, she nearly missed a game for the birth of her grandson Robby Zbornak, but was fortunately able to sprint from the hospital to the field in time to play the final quarter, during which she sacked the opposing QB in four consecutive plays, colloquially referred to by GGU students as 'The Golden Grills', allowing GGU to pull ahead for a 30-27 win. In her Junior Season, Dorothy decided to bulk up from her measly 160 lbs. Between 1988 and 1989 gained 100 lbs of lean muscle, which she attributes to a revolutionary cheesecake diet. In the 1990 season, Dorothy set records for seniors in the GGU athletics department which have yet to be beaten.

College career statistics

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Professional career

DSFL

Zbornak was the second overall pick of the 2037 DSFL draft, and was picked up by the Portland Pythons.

2038

Zbornak immediately set pace for the team in the first game of the pre-season by making the first tackle in the first game against the Minnesota Grey Ducks, for which she received the teams first Defensive Game Ball. The Pythons walked away from the game victorious, though they struggled later in the season. The pinnacle of Zbornak's athleticism came during the Pythons' Week 1 game against the Buccaneers, when during the first quarter she forced and recovered a fumble on the 43 yard line. Another highlight was in game 6 against the London Royals, when Zbornak managed a sack for -10 yards, contributing to a 20-13 victory.

In week 11, Zbornak was unceremoniously released from her contract with the Pythons, allegedly without explanation. Though both Zbornak and Portland’s General Managers have declined to comment on circumstances surrounding the split, numerous rumors have circulated involving everything from an ultimatum on cheesecake consumption to simple administrative error. Whatever the inciting event, the Pythons managed to resign Zbornak just in time for their game against the Norfolk Seawolves.

Though not achieving some of the statistical heights of her fellow 2037 draftees, Zbornak's intimidating presence on the field and constant pressure on the opposing offense were key assets to the team. While only garnering a modest 46 tackles, Zbornak managed 10 tackles for loss and one forced fumble, representing 19% of her total.

Controversy

As reported widely on traditional and social media, Zbornak famously incurred a penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct during game 12 against the Grey Ducks when, after sacking Minnesota QB Reginald Covington III for -7 yards, she produced a cheesecake from beneath her jersey and force-fed it to him. Zbornak was fined for the incident and apologized publicly, but children still burn effigies of her in the streets of Minnesota.

2039

Zbornak struggled initially to adapt to the increased pressures and stronger competition in the ISFL, mirroring the team as a whole, as Philadelphia lost the first nine consecutive regular season games before breaking the streak against the Austin Copperheads. Finding her footing somewhat late, Zbornak managed only a single sack before the end of the season, as well as a forced fumble, but publicly admitted her overall disappointment with her performance. After finishing the season with a mere three wins to thirteen losses, Zbornak decided to take drastic measures; Taking the winnings from her Fantasy Football team, Zbornak flew to Papua New Guinea to be the subject of an experimental procedure conducted by “Doctor” Alouicious Garth, in which her lungs would be replaced with cybernetically enhanced horse lungs. Though openly criticized for illegal performance enhancement, Zbornak pointed out that, largely due to the bizarre nature of the procedure, there were no existing rules against it in the League bylaws, adding that “Haters can suck it.” Spurred by newly increased endurance, Zbornak virtually lived in the gym during the off-season, maxing her strength, agility, and speed, though she also acquired a crippling sugar cube addiction.

More Controversy

Zbornak drew further controversy when she attempted a séance on the fifty yard line of the Philadelphia field, claiming that by contacting the spirit of Emperor Qin Shi Huang, who ordered the creation of the Great Wall of China in 221 B.C.E., the Liberty’s defensive line could consult him on how best to restructure their formations in season 25, arousing suspicions that the horse-lung transplant may have caused unforeseen side effects on Zbornak’s mental state.

2040

Season 25 was a rough one for Zbornak. Fearing for her mental state after her off-season activities, Philadelphia GM's placed Zbornak on second string. One of the few, if not the only, first round draftee to be benched, Zbornak continued her downward spiral. After managing only a single tackle in the first two games of the season, Zbornak used her time on the bench to invent a revolutionary means of injecting liquified cheesecake directly into her bloodstream, and act she notoriously referred to as "Cutting the Cheese."

Professional career statistics

DSFL Career statistics			Defense
Season	Team	Games	Tck	TFL	FF/FR	Sck	Int	PD	Sfty	TD	Blk P/XP/FG
2038 (S23)	Pythons	14	46	10	1/1	3	0	0	0	0	0/0/0

ISFL Career statistics			Defense
Season	Team	Games	Tck	TFL	FF/FR	Sck	Int	PD	Sfty	TD	Blk P/XP/FG
2039 (S24)	Liberty	16	38	4	1/0	1	0	0	0	0	0/0/0

Achievements and records

Portland Pythons franchise records

2038; Set POR franchise record for most cheesecakes eaten in a sitting (166)

2038; Set POR franchise record for most cheesecakes force-fed to an opposing player*

• This is discounting the record set in 1921 by Xenophilius Cornpile of the Houston Boll Weevils due to the later revelation of collusion with Montgomery Gumbo Cornerback Alfie Tarnation.

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