Zenzeroni Xystarch II

Zenzeroni Xystarch II

Zen's Za is Open For Business
No. 11 – Prospect
Position:	Kicker
Personal information
Born:	(2036-02-29)February 29, 2036 (aged 25) Disapointment Island, New Zealand
Height:	6 ft 3 in (1.91 m)
Weight:	201 lb (91 kg)
Username:	Lock180
Career information
College:	Spaghetti School
ISFL Draft:	2044 / Round: 2 / Pick: 23
DSFL Draft:	2043 / Round: 2 / Pick: 11
Career history
Roster status:	Active

Zenzeroni "Spaghetti Splitter" Xystarch II (born February 29, 2036) is an American football kicker who is currently preparing to enter the professional ranks.He played college football for Spaghetti School (SPA) and has declared his intent to enter the professional ranks next season.

Early years

Zenzeroni Xystarch II was born to Zenzeroni and Zizi Xystarch but was quickly shunned by his family and friends for having “noodle arms”. Both his parents had accomplished baseball and softball careers so to have a son that was unable to play either was extremely disappointing for them. So much so that they stranded him on Disappointment Island in favor of his older brother Zenzizenzizenzic Xystarch, where he was forced to fend for himself all alone on the barren hellscape that was Disappointment Island. But through perseverance and lots of tears, Zenzeroni survived and made it to mainland New Zealand where he enrolled in Spaghetti school as “Spaghetti arms” was all he could ever hear.

But Spaghetti school was forced to have a football team, per the new New Zealand culinary rulebook so Zenzeroni, still too afraid to use his arms, kicked. And kicked. And kicked until he received the nickname “Spaghetti Splitter” for his consistent ability to knock the ball right through the uprights which were made from uncooked Spaghetti noodles. And thus a legend was born, the BETTER Xystarch of the Xystarch family name.

College career

Zenzeroni and the Spaghetti School’s football program started during the 2054 season which meant it was Spaghetti School’s year for dominance. You see, 2054 was the year of the rat (according to unknown sources), and if you have seen ratatouille you would know that no opponent stands a chance against rats in the kitchen (or on the field). Despite it being his first season, Zenzeroni looked like a veteran out there not missing a single field goal or extra point in the regular season. But then came the game against their arch-rivals, Mario’s Meatball Madness University for Culinary Masters.

They, much like Zenzeroni’s older brother were the “golden child” of culinary schools in New Zealand and Zenzeroni’s nerves were showing. The game was tied at 20 a piece and with three seconds to go Zenzeroni stepped up to take a 50-yard field goal. His career-long had been 48 yards up to this point and he was noticeably nervous. Despite his nerves, Zenzeroni stepped up and kicked a perfect ball. However, as it was twisting and turning through the air, it started raining meatballs, well, one meatball. A fan had thrown a meatball from the stands and as the football was about to go through the uprights, the meatball struck the football, knocking it off its trajectory and causing it to fall one yard short of going in. Spaghetti School had lost the championship to Mario’s Meatball Madness University for Culinary Masters and the program would never be the same again.

After that season Zenzeroni struggled to find his groove and Spaghetti school sank into irrelevance. However, in his third season, he was able to bounce back. The team was still terrible but this led to Zenzeroni becoming a prodigy in the realm of kicking as he had to punt practically every four downs. When he did get the chance to kick field goals and the occasional extra point he didn’t miss and in his final two years he received the Spaghetti Monster reward for most valuable player.

College career statistics

Career statistics			Extra Points			Field Goals									Punts
Season	Team	Games	XPM	XPA	XP%	FGM	FGA	FG%	<20	20-29	30-39	40-49	50+	Lng	Punts	Yds	Avg	Inside 20	Long
2054 (S39)	ISFL	14	42	42	100	27	28	96.4	5/5	15/15	4/4	3/3	0/1	48	54	2710	50	22	62
2055 (S40)	ISFL	14	8	12	66.7	12	28	42.9	5/9	4/7	3/8	0/2	0/0	36	82	3280	40	27	58
2056 (S41)	ISFL	14	14	15	93.3	23	25	92	5/5	10/11	4/4	4/4	0/1	48	79	4266	54	40	66
2057 (S42)	ISFL	14	16	17	94.1	24	26	92.3	4/4	9/9	7/8	4/4	0/1	48	74	4070	55	32	64

Professional career

Pre-draft measurables

Ht	Wt	40‑yd dash	20‑ss	3‑cone	Vert jump	Broad
6 ft 3 in (1.91 m)	201 lb (91 kg)

DSFL Career

2058

Zenzeroni had been anticipating the call for quite some time before he heard the phone ringing early in the second round. He was to be a Bondi Beach Buccaneer. Officially drafted in the second round with the 11th overall pick, Zenzeroni was thrilled to just be on a team. He had no idea about any of the teams going into the start of the season but was happy with where he ended up. He had a great conversation with the Bucs scouting department head "honey" about their need for a strong kicker. Zenzeroni would later receive a message from another GM disappointed they weren't able to pick him up which already showed Zenzeroni as a hot commodity.

Zenzeroni's first full season in the DSFL was full of drama both on and off the field. Still reeling from the after-effects of the Clown Car Four more and more players kept popping up in solitude with the ban kickers movement. Zenzeroni pushed through the noise and had a kicking season for the ages. While he struggled early he was still able to lead the league in field goals made, and hit the longest field goal of the season and his career with a 56 yard bomb. Despite a promising and strong roster highlighted by veteran players like Dylan Duma, BMP, Cleocatchra, and many more along with a young vibrant rookie class including Thor, Passarelli, Pete Moss and many more, the season did not end with an Ultimini. In fact, the Bucs didn't even make the playoffs. Shakey offense from Thor along with agonizingly close games led the Bucs down a dark path. In the final 3 weeks grasping to playoff hopes the Bucs would go on to win all three of their remaining games and only needed a Tijuana loss to bring them to the playoffs where they would be underdogs but had grown to full force and were a legit threat. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be and the Luchadores would go on to reach the Ultimini before getting battered by the Pythons.

It wasn't all terrible though. As mentioned before Zenzeroni kicked himself into the number one kicker in the league as well as having the highest punting average distance he would be the clear top choice going into the ISFL draft. BMP also made his mark in the league becoming the rushing leader over the course of the season and the two TE set of Dylan Duma and Thomas Passarelli put up impressive numbers. While the team did great overall Xystarch still shined through able to receive three game balls throughout the season and broke two Bondi Beach records with the longest field goal by a Buccaneer now at 56 and the largest punt average at 46.7. His powerful leg will likely only continue to grow as he gets ready for the ISFL draft

Career statistics			Extra Points			Field Goals									Punts
Season	Team	Games	XPM	XPA	XP%	FGM	FGA	FG%	<20	20-29	30-39	40-49	50+	Lng	Punts	Yds	Avg	Inside 20	Long
2058 (S43)	Buccaneers	14	36	37	97.3%	26	33	78.8%	1/1	11/12	5/7	7/11	2/2	56	65	3037	46.7	23	65

ISFL Career

S44 2059

To say Zenzeroni's ISFL career started off on a sour note would be an understatement. Being drafted in the second round wasn't a big deal. In fact, he had expected it going into the draft. But after great conversations with multiple teams he had fully expected to be the first kicker off the board. But when that didn't happen, and instead Golden Foote was selected one pick above him to the Berlin Fire Salamanders, Zenzeroni decided it would be his mission to prove why HE should have been the first kicker off the board.

Being drafted to the Wraiths wasn't all sunshine and rainbows either. The team was about as balanced as it could possibly be, going 8-8 in the regular season. Similar to his lone season in the DSFL, Zenzeroni and his team once more narrowly missed the playoffs due to some bad luck and ill fated games. Speaking of ill fated games, the Wraiths would lose to three of the worst teams in the league which helped attribute to the disastrous end to a very up and down season.

On top of all this, despite it being his first season in the ISFL and being one of, if not THE best kicker in the league he was not selected into the pro bowl which he heavily blames the lack of success by the team as a whole for the reason he was not selected. Because despite Kickerson (the selected kicker for the pro bowl) having worse stats, because he had so many more attempts it counteracted the accuracy and power that Zenzeroni showed in his very first season of the ISFL.

Going into year two of the ISFL Zenzeroni now not only has his sights set on Golden Foote, who he easily beat in every category this season, but also Kickerson who snubbed him out of an obvious pro bowl selection.

S45 2060

Zenzeroni's sights were quickly dashed across the barren hellscape that is Yellowknife because Yellowknife had decided to take the year off and stay inside during the cold fall and winter months in the North of Canada. The Yellowknife Wraiths finished with a 4-12 record good for last in the league with a terrible defense and despite decent numbers on offense it was nowhere close to what was required for a successful season. And Zenzeroni felt this sophomore slide all too well having his worst kicking season ever and arguably performed so badly he should have been cut from the team. Kicking at just a 74.4 FG percentage despite kicking the third most field goals in the league it was a season Zenzeroni wanted to forget. A lot of the blame can be pointed at two factors which is discussed further in the "Controversies" section of this wiki but as a preface those two things were Thor Dangerson and the Curse of Baron. It wasn't a complete disaster of a season because, as much as Zenzeroni tends to brush it aside, punting is one thing he is especially good at and on the season had the second longest average punt, fourth longest punt, and third most kicks inside the 20 all happening despite kicking the fewest punts in the entire league. For his work, Zenzeroni secured a pro bowl spot as a punter and was elected to first team all pro as a punter. So while all was not lost Zenzeroni was disappointed in this season as he tries to keep pace for an eventual spot in the hall of fame. Anger and disappointment has begun to seep into his thoughts and going into the next season he has declared it to be "The Year of the Joker".

S46 2061

The self proclaimed "Year of the Joker" did not bode well for Zenzeroni Xystarch II. Zenzeroni would close to match his last season's poor performance but luckily for him, his team was rising from the ashes. After a miserable 4-12 season Yellowknife bounced back thanks to early success and timely wins. That being said this was by no means a dominant season for the Yellowknife Wraiths who would go into the final game with playoff implications on the line. They would go on to lose that game and need some help to get in. Luckily for them, that help came at just the right time and allowed them to squeak into the playoffs. While the regular season was an abysmal disaster outside of a few clutch moments for Zenzeroni, it was the playoffs where he truly showed his worth. Facing off against the divisional foe Sarasota Sailfish in the divisional round, the Wraiths were down by 11 in the fourth quarter and came storming back thanks to a touchdown and 2 point conversion but more importantly, a 59 yard bomb that tied the game via the leg of Zenzeroni. Then in overtime, Zenzeroni sealed the deal chipping in a 22 yard field goal to send his team to the NSFC championship where they would face the best in the division, that of course being the Baltimore Hawks. It wouldn't be the season 46 Wraiths without more clutch magic and in another overtime thriller Xystarch went 4/4 on extra points and punts pinned Baltimore deep all culminating in a touchdown pass from Boudreaux to Ryder sending the Wraiths on a Cinderella story to the Ultimus. In the Ultimus, it was the Zenzeroni show as the Wraiths dueled the Outlaws in a grueling defensive performance. Many fans and commentators alike said they would have given Zenzeroni the MVP had they won the game but alas it was not meant to be as the Wraiths would fall by a score of 6-14 with Zenzeroni scoring the only points for the Wraiths and kicking five punts with a 59.2 yard average and pinning the Outlaws deep in their territory three of those five times. The Wraiths of season 46 were defined by a Cinderella story push into an unlikely Ultimus appearance but the Wraiths of the next season were no underdogs and had high expectations to meet with all time heights in both offense and defense show that season 47 is the season of reckoning for both Zenzeroni and the Yellowknife Wraiths.

Career statistics			Extra Points			Field Goals									Punts
Season	Team	Games	XPM	XPA	XP%	FGM	FGA	FG%	<20	20-29	30-39	40-49	50+	Lng	Punts	Yds	Avg	Inside 20	Long
2059 (S44)	Wraiths	16	39	39	100%	30	33	90.9%	0/0	11/12	10/10	5/6	4/5	60	67	3048	45.5	27	69
2060 (S45)	Wraiths	16	40	41	97.6%	29	39	74.4%	1/1	9/9	5/8	10/13	4/8	61	69	3369	48.8	40	71
2061 (S46)	Wraiths	16	35	36	97.2%	27	36	75%	2/2	8/8	7/8	7/10	3/8	58	79	3823	48.4	34	73

Controversies

Zenzeroni is not one to back down from a challenge which is what has gotten him in trouble multiple times throughout his short stint as a professional football player. Upon entering the league Zenzeroni found himself bombarded by multiple players wanting to ban kickers. Zenzeroni would go on to write an article that would go up for a nomination for a Gemini Award later down the line about these players. Rico Savage, Joey Battle, Orange Julius, and Crazy Tomato were all involved to various degrees and became his rivals before even stepping onto the field.

Zenzeroni would then go on to write an incredibly controversial and groundbreaking article about a league-wide scandal going on in the league. In the pre-dsfl prospect bowls, Zenzeroni had two of his punts blocked. This was unheard of by his standards and he immediately knew something was wrong what he found was the other teams were paying off the refs and even switching out footballs to pretend there were fumbles. Even his own teammate who would stay his teammate on the Buccaneers was cheating and manipulating the field to his advantage to now allow Zenzeroni a chance to prove himself. Despite Zenzeroni bringing this news to the head officials they have yet to do anything about the scandal and the parties that were involved have not been reprimanded.

Then came a controversial experiment done by Doctor Fettucini Mozzarella who implanted a chip in Zenzeroni's brain in order to manipulate and understand Zenzeroni's thought processes throughout a game. It was later learned that he was being paid by Zenzeroni's father who was trying to embarrass and knock his son out of the league as he was jealous Zenzeroni had found success outside of baseball. The plot came to an end after Zenzeroni was replaced by his brother Zenzizenzizenzic during which he would do terribly. Zenzeroni made his way back on the field taking down his brother and thanks to a letter from a recently deceased friend the true plot was uncovered and Zenzeroni was freed from the experiment and his father's clutches.

The controversies would conclude where they began as more and more people were seeking the star Zenzeroni Xstarch II's fame and wisdom eventually culminating in an article written by Zenzeroni labeled "The Desperation Dilemma - The Story of the Nauseating Nine" which highlighted the struggles of fame as lesser-known players tried to reach the spotlight by using their connections with Zenzeroni to their advantage. This included previous annoyances such as Crazy Tomato and Orange Julius along with newcomers such as Jordan Bamford and Mega Tron. The nine players highlighted showed just how famous Zenzeroni had become but a wave of anger quickly swept around Zenzeroni in the days after releasing the article as multiple members of the Nauseating Nine sought to sue Zenzeroni for defamation. Zenzeroni was able to lawyer up with his old teammate Thor coming to his aid. Nothing would come of the defamation case as everyone knew everything that was said in the article was factual. With the ban kicker movement still going strong it continues to make Zenzeroni stronger as he has become a staple of the season 44 class with many players and fans reaching out in adoration of Zenzeroni's success in the face of scrutiny.

While the controversies stopped for a while it was only a matter of time before Zenzeroni would be back under the spotlight for another controversy that would shake the ISFL. For Zenzeroni would be cursed by the media Queen Baron1898. Her associate, Venus Powers had a "hall of fame" career and Zenzeroni had mercilessly ridiculed her for this because he did not believe her to be worthy of such a selection. Needless to say, everything Baron touches turns to mold as she has been a mainstay of this league for seasons upon seasons but has yet to win the Ultimus. And with Zenzeroni's merciless attacks on her character Baron's curse cast a shadow on Zenzeroni in season 45. The question is can he escape it or is he doomed to repeat Baron's past mistakes? The other problem in season 45 occurred with Thor Dangerson. Thor and Zenzeroni have a bit of a personal rivalry and aren't afraid to banter however in the preseason, Thor Dangerson selected Zenzeroni as his kicker for fantasy and this caused Zenzeroni to question himself. Should he perform well to help his team at the cost of helping Thor's fantasy team? Or should he tank so that Thor would lose his fantasy team? Zenzeroni decided to help his team the best he could but throughout the season Thor made intentional attempts to disrupt Zenzeroni which ultimately led to a disaster of a season for Zenzeroni. Even still Thor won his fantasy group and even decided not to show up to two of his own teams games so that he could celebrate and hang out at Zen's Pizzeria (from which he is now banned). Now the question is if Thor will continue to be a liability to Zenzeroni and the Wraiths or if he will get his act together and make Zenzeroni stronger than ever.

The Year of the Joker was filled with controversy for Zenzeroni as he battled the league and brought it to its knees. But the major controversy was the battle between himself and the writers of The Weekly Mirror. Led by Jreed and complimented by griis The Weekly Mirror attempted to slant Zenzeroni blaming him for nonexistent Molotov Footballs. Zenzeroni's battle would end with a scathing rant with which he used The Weekly Mirror's own interns against them as whistleblowers came out of the woodwork to talk about the terrible work environment at The Weekly Mirror. Zenzeroni would go on vacation in the Maldives feeling his job was done but The Weekly Mirror would continue to keep Zenzeroni in their brain rotted minds. "

Achievements and records

DSFL Rookie Season (S43)

- DSFL S43: [FORMER] Longest Field Goal made by a Bondi Beach Buccaneer (56 yards)

- DSFL S43: Largest Punt Average over an entire season for a Bondi Beach Buccaneer (46.7 yards per punt)

- DSFL S43 Week 1: Bondi Beach Buccaneers - Awarded Offensive game ball @ Norfolk Seawolves - 4 punts averaging 49.5 yards, 2/2 XPs, 2/2 FGs 40-49

- DSFL S43 Week 8: Bondi Beach Buccaneers - Awarded Offensive game ball vs Norfolk Seawolves - 7 punts averaging 53 yards, 3/3 XPs, 4/5 on FGs

- DSFL S43 Week 13: Bondi Beach Buccaneers - Awarded Offensive game ball vs Tijuana Luchadores - 4 punts averaging 48.2 yards, 2/2 XPs, 5/5 FGs

- DSFL S43 Pro Bowl South K/P

- DSFL S43 Special Teams 1st Team All Pro

ISFL Rookie Season (S44)

- ISFL S44 Week 8: Yellowknife Wraiths - Awarded Offensive game ball vs Orange County Otters - 5 punts averaging 46.4 yards (3 inside 20), 3/3 XPs, 3/4 FGs (30,49,53)

- ISFL S44 Week 13: Yellowknife Wraiths - Awarded Offensive game ball vs Arizona Outlaws - 5 punts averaging 53.6 yards (3 inside 20), 2/2 XPs, 3/3 FGs (20,52,60)

- ISFL S44 1st Team All Pro (Kicker)

ISFL Sophomore Season (S45)

- ISFL S45 Week 7: Yellowknife Wraiths - Awarded Offensive game ball vs Sarasota Sailfish - 3 punts averaging 56 yards (1 inside 20), 2/2 XPs, 4/5 FGs (28,34,45,54)

- ISFL S45 Week 9: Yellowknife Wraiths - Awarded Offensive game ball @ Sarasota Sailfish - 7 punts averaging 56.4 yards (6 inside 20), 4/4 XPs, 1/2 FGs (35)

- ISFL S45 Week 14: Yellowknife Wraiths - Awarded Offensive game ball @ Chicago Butchers - 3 punts averaging 51 yards (2 inside 20), 3/3 XPs, 3/3 FGs (21,46,56)

- ISFL S45 1st Team All Pro (Punter)

- ISFL S45 Pro Bowler (Punter)

ISFL Third Season (S46)

-ISFL S46 Week 4: Yellowknife Wraiths - Awarded Offensive game ball vs Baltimore Hawks - 3 punts averaging 47.7 yards (2 inside 20), 1/1 XPs, 3/4 FGs (26,40,52)

-ISFL S46 Week 7: Yellowknife Wraiths - Awarded Offensive game ball @ Berlin Fire Salamanders - 6 punts averaging 49 yards (4 inside 20), 2/2 FGs (46,52)

-ISFL S46 Week 12: Yellowknife Wraiths - Awarded Offensive game ball vs Colorado Yeti - 7 punts averaging 45.9 yards (2 inside 20), 2/3 XPs, 3/3 FGs (19,23,58), 58 Yard Game Winner

-ISFL S46 Week 15: Yellowknife Wraiths - Awarded Offensive game ball vs Berlin Fire Salamanders - 4 punts averaging 61.8 yards (3 inside 20), 2/2 XPs, 3/3 FGs (22,32,49)

-ISFL S46 Wild Card: Yellowknife Wraiths - Awarded Offensive game ball @ Sarasota Sailfish - 6 punts averaging 55.2 yards (5 inside 20), 1/1 XPs, 2/2 FGs (22,59), Game Tying and Game Winning kicks

-ISFL S46 Ultimus: Yellowknife Wraiths - Awarded Offensive game ball @ Arizona Outlaws - 5 punts averaging 59.2 yards (3 inside 20), 2/2 FGs (32,46)

Editorial Ambitions

- S43 Gemini Award Best New Author

- S45 Gemini Award Best Article (Series) - "The Truth About the Self Proclaimed "Queen" Baron1898"

- S43 Gemini Award Best Author Nominee

- S43 Gemini Award Best Article (Series) Nominee - "The Clown Car Four"

- S43 Gemini Award Best Article (Limited) Nominee - "The OFFICIAL 1-Star Mcdonalds Prospect Analysis"

- S44 Gemini Award Best Author Nominee

- S44 Gemini Award Best Article (Limited) Nominee - "Scorigami Deep Dive"

- S44 Gemini Award Best Article (Limited) Nominee - "How to Make the Hall of Fame"

- S45 Gemini Award Best Author Nominee

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