Something McDerpants
 | This article has been cleared by an Approver on the wiki team. Lancedjack (talk) 14:29, 3 October 2020 (UTC) |
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| No. 42 – London Royals | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Kicker |
| Personal information | |
| Born: | January 11, 1968 (aged 93) Vilyuchinsk, Russia |
| Height: | 6 ft 2 in (1.88 m) |
| Weight: | 172 lb (78 kg) |
| Username: | Nexus1353 |
| Career information | |
| College: | Maryland |
| Career history | |
| Roster status: | Active |
Something McDerpants (born July 11, 1968) is an American football kicker for the London Royals of the Developmental Simulation Football League (DSFL).
Contents
Early years
In 1968, Ivan Kalashnikov was born in Vilyuchinsk, Russia. At the age of 5, his family was killed, and he was abducted by the KGB. Over the next 15 years he was trained by the KGB to become their enforcer. During his time there, they reprogrammed the way his brain worked, and made him bend to their will by saying certain words. Some time in 1984 his leg was mangled beyond repair during a training exercise where he was pushed too far. It was amputated and replaced with a robotic leg. In 1988, Ivan Kalashnikov finally regained some control of his mind, on November 16th, he made his escape. He broke the walls keeping him in his cell by kicking his way out. Any guard that he encountered on his way had their legs shattered by Kalashnikov as revenge for shattering his own several years ago. Ivan Kalashnikov hitchhiked on a boat going to the United States just five days later.
College career
When he arrived at the border, Ivan Kalashnikov was questioned. When asked for his name, he had to come up with something quickly. What he came up with was Something McDerpants. He made his way to Stanford, where he stayed for a few months, only to find the KGB roaming around the campus. Fearing he may be discovered, Something fled to Nevada. He then went to Nevada State College, but after a few months of going there, Something once again saw the KGB walking around the campus. He fled, and went to colleges in Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Idaho, Ohio, West Virginia, Virginia, and finally ended up at the University of Maryland, where he finally finished school. At the time that he got to the University of Maryland, the USSR had fallen, and it seemed that the KGB had stopped looking for Something, after he spent 6 months at Maryland and the KGB never showed up.
College career statistics
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Professional career
| Ht | Wt | 40‑yd dash | 20‑ss | 3‑cone | Vert jump | Broad |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 6 ft 2 in (1.88 m) |
172 lb (78 kg) |
Professional career statistics
Use this page to get the stats table template.
Achievements and records
Use this section as an example.
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