Stumpy Jones
 An image of me at my happiness | |
| No. 35 – Sarasota Sailfish | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Offensive Lineman |
| Personal information | |
| Born: | February 22, 1950 (aged 111) Olympia, Washington, U.S. |
| Height: | 6 ft 5 in (1.96 m) |
| Weight: | 350 lb (159 kg) |
| Username: | Footballiscool |
| Career information | |
| High school: | Homeschool |
| College: | The Evergreen State College |
| DSFL Draft: | 2043 / Round: |
| Career history | |
| Roster status: | Retired |
Stumpy Jones (born February 22, 1950) was an American football offensive lineman. He played college football for The Evergreen State College (TESC).
Contents
Early years
Well, my roots are in Olympia Washington. Supposidely, my parents are from the Oregon area but the stork literally dropped me off in Olympia Washington. I've developed strong roots in the community providing much needed support for my fellow woodland friends and transitioned into being a sturdy frame to provide a jungle gym for the neighborhood children as the neighborhood changed. The sixties were an interesting time, people started randomly knitting me scafts and mittens for my branches to keep me warm during winter...It was nice, but I wanted to say ""excuse me, I'm a tree give that to someone who needs it."" the 70s were full of upset people protesting ""the war"" and they eventually got sick on disco fever. The 80s were weird...drugs officially became a problem and it started to hit our community hard. The community had officially changed from being a forest and nice suburben area and had now become an urban jungle, all of my friends had fled. As did it, I decided to get an education to escape the community that I had known and loved.
College career
I actually started my time at ye' ol' Evergreen College by attending classes for english as a second language. When going into the guidance counsellors office they actually suggested that I go into forestry. I took a few classes and enjoyed it. While studying forestry, I had seen a flyer on a buillten board between classes for try-outs for the football team. This immediatly brought me back to my younger days I always was so envious of all of the children that were playing this game in the field next to our forest community called football and was so excited to finally try it out. Upon arriving at the field, the coach immediatly knew where to place me. He noticed that I was a "thick and sturdy boi". I started out doing the basics being on the practice team for the opposing defensive linemen to try and bull rush their way past me. Coach Roberts gave me a tips on how to handle the bullrush and how to not let defensive ends from going around me and the idea took root, I never actually played during college I only ever made the practice squad but I'm greatful for the opportunities it allowed me.
Professional career
DSFL career
-S27-Drafted to the Portland Pythons. Stumpy Jones was drafted by the Portland Pythons with the 31st overall pick in the S27 DSFL draft, along side fellow pythons taken in the draft are Linebacker Xavier Walls (7 OA), Safety Remus Roman ((15OA), Linebacker Gritt Gurdur (23OA), Tight End Phillip Weaver (39OA), Offensive Lineman Tay Heenie (47OA), Running man Aleksandr Vasiliev (55OA) and Wide Receiver Kenzie Cupz (63OA). Stumpy Jones Took a liking to the locker room culture, and the Portland Pythons had an outstanding season. The S27 Portland Pythons had a dominating season 27 regular season. In fourteen games the pythons had eleven wins, three losses and outscored opponents by a margin of 157 points. All regular season losses for the pythons came at home and came against the London Royals (2pts), the Minnesota Grey Ducks (3 points) and the largest loss of the season came against the Dallas Birddogs in week six (13 points). Stumpy Jones had a breakout season winning offensive linemen of the year for the DSFL with 67 pancakes which was most in the league, 1 sack allowed and had 2 penalties for 15 total yards. The most pancakes came in that loss against the Dallas Birddogs in week 6. The Pythons would lose in the first round of the playoffs to the Kansas City Coyotes. Stumpy Jones would have a game leading 9 pancakes which was the most for a DSFL playoff game in season 27 and would stand as the record until season 30.
| Ht | Wt | 40‑yd dash | 20‑ss | 3‑cone | Vert jump | Broad | BP |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 6 ft 5 in (1.96 m) |
350 lb (159 kg) |
Tree s | Tree s | Tree s | Tree | Tree Tree | Thick reps |
ISFL career
-S28- Stumpy Jones was Drafted to the Sarasota Sailfish in the Season 28 International Simulation Football League Draft with the fourth pick in the second round or 18th overall. Stumpy Jones was drafted alongside Safety Kelvin Harris (28OA) and fellow Python Saleem Spence with the 31st pick. Stumpy Jones was called up immediately to sink or swim in the fish nation and he found himself as a slight liability on offense. Stumpy Jones recorded a career high 7 sacks allowed and a career low 70 pancakes however that did not prevent the sailfish from making the playoffs. The Sailfish recorded a record of 10-6-0 giving them third place in the NSFC and a spot in the playoffs. Stumpy Jones' best regular season performance came in a 10-17 loss against Berlin Fire salamander where Stumpy Jones recorded a season high 7 pancakes and 1 sack allowed. Stumpy would end the season with two penalties for 15 total yard that occurred in a 26 to 14 win over the Baltimore Hawks. The Sailfish would lose in the first round of the playoff to the eventual S28 Champions Yellow Knife Wraiths by a score of 23 to 14 a game where Stumpy Jones was mediocre with a stat line of one pancake, and a singular penalty for 5 yards.
-S29- After Stumpy Jones had a rough start in his rookie season of season 28, Stumpy went on to have significant improvement at the offensive linemen position. Stumpy ended up increasing his pancake total to 106 a jump of 36 from the season prior, which was ranked eleventh for the season. Stumpy also had a reduction of sacks allowed to just a measly 2 sacks allowed. One of these two sacks allowed came in a week three game against the Baltimore Hawks along side a ten yard penalty, this game Sarasota cruised to a 37-3 win. Stumpy accumulated 42 yards on 6 penalties during season 29. Stumpy really starting finding his groove starting in the week 10 game against the Honolulu Hahalua. This comes from watching the movie Waterboy with the team to keep them out of trouble while in Hawaii. Stumpy learned the art of visualize and attack. Stumpy gained an edge, a mean edge and his wrath was shown this game he set the tone with a 7 yard penalty and then proceeded to steam roll over his opponents yielding 11 pancakes, 7 yard penalty. This aggression was not without it's faults. Stumpy did whiff on an attempted pancake but outside linebacker put on a solid move allowing himself free reign to sack Mike Boss Jr. Sarasota ended the season with a record of 11-5-0 good enough for a 3rd seed in the NSFC entering into the playoffs. The Sailfish took care of business against Chicago in the first round of the S29 playoffs winning 33-13, Stumpy had a solid 7 pancake game with no other notable stats. The Sailfish ended up losing in the 2nd round of the S29 playoffs to the Berlin Fire Salamanders in a heartbreaking 23-20 loss. Stumpy had a solid game accumulating 11 pancakes and a ten yard penalty.
-S30- Season 30 was about as ideal of a season you could have as an offensive linemen. Stumpy Jones' accumulated a total of 129 pancakes, had 0 sacks allowed and 4 penalties for 35 yards. The regular season for the Sailfish ended with an 11-5-0 record which was good enough for the first seed in the NSFC and a first round playoff bye. The Sailfish would have a rematch against the Berlin Fire Salamanders which the Sailfish would win 30-24 while fighting off a fourth quarter surge by the Fire Salamanders. Stumpy would record 7 pancakes in that game with no other notable stats. The Sailfish would then play the red hot Arizona Outlaws in the Finals. The Sailfish prevailed with a final score of 27-10. Stumpy Jones would have a 5 yard penalty in this game as well as 5 pancakes but got to Lift the Trophy in a season that is still surreal! Stumpy went on to win Offensive Linemen of the year for the International Simulation Football League as well as be named a unanimous All-Pro 1st team selection.
-S31- After coming off of a monstrous season 30 Stumpy saw a slight dip in production. Stumpy Jones ended the regular season with a total of 118 pancakes this was third most for that season as well as having 0 sacks allowed for another season and three penalties for a total of 25 yards all coming against the Baltimore Hawks. Stumpy would have his best game yet against the Berlin Fire Salamanders in week 2 obtaining a stat line of 13 pancakes which is a career high, 0 sacks allowed and 0 penalties. The Sailfish finished the season with a 10-6-0 record thanks to an end of season surge. This was good enough for 2nd place in the NSFC going into the playoffs. The Sailfish would lose to the Chicago Butchers in the first round of the playoffs with a score of 23-13. Stumpy would have a clean game of 0 penalties alongside 9 pancakes. Stumpy would again receive an All-Pro 1st team selection.
-S32- Stumpy would continue to see a lessening in his production. Stumpy Jones ended the regular season with a total of 110 pancakes which was fifth most for the 32nd season. Stumpy Jones also ended the season with 0 sacks allowed which would be the third season in a row without a sack allowed. Stumpy would finish the season with 30 total penalty yards on 4 penalties. Stumpy Jones recorded a 4 yard reception in week 2 loss against the Baltimore Hawks, and an 18 yard reception in week 4 win against Chicago. The Sarasota Sailfish finished the season with a 9-7-0 record which was just enough to sneak into the playoffs thanks to a 5 game end of season winning streak for the Sailfish and an end of season 5 game losing streak for the Yeti who were on the outside looking in with a 7-9 record. The Sailfish would face-off against the Berlin Fire Salamanders in the first round of the S32 Playoffs where the Sailfish would suffer their worse defeat in the playoffs in a long time. Losing to the Fire Salamanders with a score of 17-34. Stumpy would go on to have another steady performance in the playoffs having an 8 pancake day with 0 sacks allowed and 0 penalties. Stumpy would again receive an All-Pro 1st team selection.
-S33- Another season would come and go and Stumpy would continue to see a decline in pancake production. Stumpy Jones would end the regular season with a total of 109 pancakes which was ranked ninth of all offensive linemen for the 33rd season. Stumpy would once again continue his streak of not letting up a sack for the fourth consecutive season. Stumpy Jones had 4 penalties in season 33 for a total of 25 yards. Stumpy Jones would also have the only game of his career where there were 0 recordable stats. The week 9 game against the Arizona Outlaws Stumpy Jones had 0 penalties, 0 pancakes, 0 sacks allowed and did not even register in the stat book. The Sarasota Sailfish would end the regular season in 1st place of the NSFC with a record of 12-4-0, netting a first round bye. The Sailfish lose to the eventual S33 Champion Baltimore Hawks in the second round in a 24-30 game that sounded a lot closer than it actually was. Stumpy Jones would have another solid playoff performance with 7 pancakes, 0 sacks allowed and 0 penalties. This would be the first time in 4 seasons that Stumpy did not make the All-Pro let alone the All-Pro 1st team.
-S34- Stumpy would see a renaissance after a few down seasons. Stumpy would log a career high 138 pancakes which would be tied all time for third most in a single season by a human offensive lineman and tied with Bernie Sanders for the most in this season by a human offensive lineman. Stumpy would also have a personal best season by having zero penalties across all sixteen games of the regular season. However With this clean game play, Stumpy would give up a sack and tarnish his 4 consecutive seasons of having zero sacks allowed. Sarasota would continue their streak of making the playoffs having a record of 10-5-1, which was good enough for third place in the NSFC. Stumpy's performance in the playoffs was brief. Sarasota would play the Berlin Fire Salamanders and be eliminated by a score of 35-10. Stumpy's playoff performance was modest having 5 pancakes, 0 sacks allowed and 0 penalties. Stumpy Jones would go on to win his second offensive lineman of the year award with his stellar performance and be once again was awarded 1st Team All-Pro.
-S35-
Stumpy would continue to perform at a peak level. Stumpy would log a career second best 136 pancakes which would be tied with a season 31 Alexander Franklin all time for sixth most in a single season by a human offensive lineman, Stumpy would also return to form in protection not allowing a single sack for the entire season. Stumpy would also have a solid season in the realm of penalties only having three total for a total of fifteen yards. Sarasota had a strong start of the season going 5-2 in the first 7 games of the season. However the back half of the season would be brutal for them going 2-7 for a total record of 7-9. This would be the first time in Stumpy's career being on a losing record and missing the playoffs. Stumpy Jones would go on to win his third offensive lineman of the year award with his solid performance and would be awarded Unanimous 1st team All-Pro. To my knowledge the league is doing away with positional awards, which is sad for offensive linemen.
-S36-
Stumpy once again would continue to perform a top the league in regards to offensive linemen. Stumpy would record his third best season netting 129 pancakes which tied himself for sixteenth most pancakes in a season. Stumpy would also go on to record another season where he was not responsible for any sacks. Stumpy did have a single penalty for five yards which was recorded in the final game of the season against the Baltimore hawks. The Sarasota Sailfish would go onto having a very strong season finishing 12-4 having the second best record in the league. For Stumpy it felt right being back in the playoffs and had a lot to prove after missing last season. Stumpy and the Sailfish would make a push for the Finals recording 17 pancakes in the first two games combined. Sarasota would then play in the what is known as the Fish bowl. Playing against the Defending Champions the Honolulu Hahalua. Sarasota would fall short losing the finals 31-28 on a touchdown in the final 90 seconds of play. It was heartbreaking for Stumpy who played his heart out recorded 11 more pancakes in that finals yielding 28 pancakes in this playoff push. In a weird season where the guild that awarded individual player awards, decided to dissolve and be no more. Stumpy would have won his fourth offensive lineman of the year award as the offensive lineman with far and away the most pancakes, 0 sacks allowed and only 1 penalty had the award still existed. The "replacement" which already existed is the All-Pro. Where Stumpy would go on to be awarded another Unanimous 1st team All-Pro.
-S37- Stumpy Jones had another solid season in regards to offensive linemen. He wasn't the absolute best offensive linemen. This season that title belongs to Beniri T'Chawama. Stumpy Jones would go on to record 117 pancakes which was sixth in the league for offensive linemen. Stumpy would also go on to have a solid season where he was largely unnoticed in the sacks allowed department, only allowing one sack in a week 5 loss to the Philadelphia Liberty. Stumpy would go onto having a clean first half of the season. The second half of the season would not be so clean, giving up a total of 20 penalty yards. The first penalty occurred in week 9 when the sailfish went on to playing against the San Jose Sabercats where he recorded a penalty for five yards in week 12 stumpy would also give up another five yard penalty to the Chicago butchers and having a ten yard penalty in week 15 to the Philadelphia liberty. The Sailfish went on to having an solid regular season finishing with the top record of 12-4. Sarasota would then go on to beat the Yellow Knife Wraiths by a score of 41-24. Sarasota would faceoff against the Arizona Outlaws where the Sailfish would come up short losing 31-11. Stumpy would record 14 pancakes in this season's playoffs. Stumpy Jones' regular season performance was good enough to be awarded another 1st Team All-Pro.
-S38- Stumpy Jones would once again have another solid season compared to offensive linemen. Stumpy would go on to record 122 pancakes which was second in the league for human offensive linemen and fourth including bots. Stumpy would go on to tie his sophomore season of giving up the second most sacks allowed of his career allowing two sacks on the season in week 2 against the Chicago Butchers and in week 12 against the Yellow Knife Wraiths. Stumpy went on to record a relatively clean season in regards to the referees pulling out their yellow handkerchief. Stumpy only had one penalty which was a ten yard penalty week 3 against Philly. In this season it is debatable who would be considered the best offensive linemen and with the absence of an Offensive lineman of the year award there will not be a concrete answer. Compared to previous voting that title this would likely belong to either Stumpy, or Theo AwardsSystemIsBad. The Sarasota Sailfish would go on to having a below average season for the club recording a record of 7-9. seven of the nine losses were by 7 points or less and was a massive underperformance. This record missed the playoffs and yielded fourth place in the NSFC. This season was good enough for Stumpy Jones to record another 1st Team All-Pro. It is believed to be his 8th, 1st team All-Pro award.
-S39- Stumpy Jones would take a big step back this season. As Stumpy has become a hardened ancient tree the burst that use to be in his step is no longer there. Stumpy would go on to record the second lowest pancake total of his International Simulation Football League Career and recording less than 100 pancakes for the first time since his rookie season netting only 97 pancakes. In the department of sacks allowed Stumpy would go on to show his age once more. Allowing 4 sacks across the entire season, which the most Stumpy had allowed since his rookie season of 7, had been 2 sacks allowed. Maybe it was the Air Raid style of play that increased Stumpy's sacks totals allowed but that's not likely. Stumpy struggled particularly against the newly moved Cape Town Crash, formerly called the Philly Liberty. Stumpy would also start showing signs of CTE having 4 penalties across the season for 40 total yards which is the ties highest total penalties and was the most total penalty yards of Stumpy's career. The Sailfish would go on to having a very good season finishing the year 10-5-1 which was good enough for 2nd place in the NSFC. In the playoffs the Sailfish would go on to play the Chicago Butchers where the Sailfish would lose a heartbreaking game 22-24 where the sailfish would fail the 2 pt conversion with 2 minutes left in the game to tie. Sarasota also missed a 61 yard field goal to win the game, with 17 seconds left.
-S40- Stumpy Jones really thought he could muster out one final season for the fans. However Stumpy felt his roots to be a lot less agile than they used to be. Stumpy Jones would go on to record his worst season from his entire International Simulation Football League career. Stumpy served up the fewest pancakes including his lone DSFL season, recording only 62 pancakes. In addition to recording few pancakes, Stumpy was also a lot less stout than he used to be. Allowing 11 sacks across the 40th Season, which heavily inflated his numbers and may have soured his legacy of being one of the best ever to protect Quarterbacks. The Sarasota Sailfish with a record of 8-7-1 would go on to miss the playoffs for only the third time in Stumpy Jones Career. The six losses were less than one score and caused Stumpy scorn. Stumpy felt that he overstayed his welcome in the league and that he was the one to blame. His thirst for greatness may have caused his team, his family a shot at another Ultimus.
Professional career statistics
| Career statistics | Offensive Line | |||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Season | Team | Games | Pancakes | Sacks Allowed |
| 2042 (S27) | Pythons | 14 | 67 | 1 |
| 2043 (S28) | Sailfish | 16 | 70 | 7 |
| 2044 (S29) | Sailfish | 16 | 106 | 2 |
| 2045 (S30) | Sailfish | 16 | 129 | 0 |
| 2046 (S31) | Sailfish | 16 | 118 | 0 |
| 2047 (S32) | Sailfish | 16 | 110 | 0 |
| 2048 (S33) | Sailfish | 16 | 109 | 0 |
| 2049 (S34) | Sailfish | 16 | 138 | 1 |
| 2050 (S35) | Sailfish | 16 | 136 | 0 |
| 2051 (S36) | Sailfish | 16 | 129 | 0 |
| 2052 (S37) | Sailfish | 16 | 117 | 1 |
| 2053 (S38) | Sailfish | 16 | 122 | 2 |
| 2054 (S39) | Sailfish | 16 | 97 | 4 |
| 2055 (S40) | Sailfish | 16 | 63 | 11 |
