Dan Schneider

Dan Schneider

Schneider scaring a small child
No. 18 – Portland Pythons
ISFL Hall of Famer
Position:	Safety
Personal information
Born:	(1973-01-14)January 14, 1973 (aged 88) Chernobyl, Ukraine
Height:	6 ft 1 in (1.85 m)
Weight:	215 lb (98 kg)
Username:	LGMForever
Career information
High school:	White Station High School
College:	Harvard University
DSFL Draft:	2025  / Round: 3 / Pick: 11
Career history
Portland Pythons (2025 (S10)-present)
Roster status:	Active

Dan J. Schneider (born December 14, 1973) is an American football safety for the Portland Pythons of the Developmental Simulation Football League (DSFL). He played college football for Harvard University before being drafted by the Portland Pythons in the 2025 DSFL Draft (S10).

Early years

Schneider was born in Chernobyl, Ukraine only minutes prior to the disastrous nuclear reactor explosion that would render the town inhabitable. His parents rushed to escape the area, yet they couldn't prevent the baby's body from absorbing some of the radiation in the air. The unstable elements transformed Schneider into a boyishly handsome, strong, and athletic man who could never do anything wrong in the entire world. Immigrating to the United States, he quickly assimilated into the American lifestyle and took a role as a safety on his high school's football team. Schneider experienced many struggles in high school football and at many points, he had considered abandoning the sport entirely and moving on somewhere else in terms of a potential topic to delve further into. However, this all changed when late on a Sunday night when Schneider inhaled an entire gallon of milk without regurgitating it onto his computer monitor. From then, Schneider held a firm belief that he was capable of doing anything and finished out all four years of high school playing on the football team. He played terribly and for the majority of the games, he was warming the benches.

College career

Approaching college, Schneider decided to abandon football as a result of him being utter garbage at it and being laughed at everywhere he went because of his terrible abilities. He only attended Harvard University for one year before moving on to join the group of executive producers at Nickelodeon, creating shows for the little children of the world to enjoy and bask in the glory of what it means to be alive. Many of his shows have revolutionized the genre of situation comedies and many may consider the entire television industry to have been morphed because of Dan Schneider. Many and many years after he rose to popularity he was accused of multiple scandals and many had outright referred to Schneider as a pedophile, although that was clearly not true. Ultimately, Nickelodeon let go of him and he believed that he no longer had anywhere to go. With no options left, Schneider returned to college and once again joined the football team but this time something was different. Instead of being quite possibly the worst member on his team, he seemed like a natural safety and the radiation his body absorbed from Chernobyl finally kicked in. A couple of years later, Schneider declared for the DSFL draft.

College career statistics

Come back to this bit. Not sure how to generate the table yet

Professional career

Pre-draft measurables

Ht	Wt	40‑yd dash	20‑ss	3‑cone	Vert jump	Broad	BP	Wonderlic
6 ft 1 in (1.85 m)	215 lb (98 kg)	4.65 s	4.55 s	6.98 s	39.5 in (1.00 m)	11 ft 0.1 in (3.36 m)	24 reps	11
2025 DSFL Workout Day results

Professional career statistics

Come back to this later

Achievements and records

Come back to this later